empty & alone

awake in the stillness of the night doing battle with my mind. an ocean of why swirls around my throat and yanks through my hair, i'm drowning with unanswered questions. i reach out for help & i am alone. no one can help me out of this lonely battle with the angry waves. i long for a wave to overcome me and take me out of the struggle, but i know it will not come. i must bob in this sea of anguish until i find the shore, i fear i never will.

image: undertow tony middleton

how to say goodbye

there is no more energy in my body. my spirit is drained. I dread the night. why must goodbye exist? my heart is weeping and heavy with grief. i've only cried a little today, but that is only because i'm too tired and all out of tears. my little Rosie is gone. my hopes and dreams have evaporated into the air. now i sit here empty and alone. everything is backwards right now. my whole being resists the day and can not seem to move forward. tell me it was all just a nightmare, tell me i'll wake up and find the sunshine again. tell me it isn't reality. i can not move, and memories are the constant enemy. how does healing find me? only at the very end? when we are together again? this part of my heart will always be empty, something will always be missing. goodbye my Elizabeth Rose

images: L Gordon

Morning Light

"The morning light is the reward for thoes who will arise to greet it"- Virginia Ann

Sunday Morning

What does Sunday Morning mean to you? Every week I have these ideals, a picture painted of the happy family going to church, Norman Rockwell, The Donna Reed Show. Something about the routine, the ritual, the comfort in knowing that on Sunday morning we get up and go to church. Maybe mother will make pancakes while the children play, maybe father will read the paper....

This rarely happens, but it is always in my heart. Even if I wake up late or get frustrated with outfits, this feeling still lingers. This morning was no exception, the little boy woke us up early, yelling "NO!" from his bed. It's his new favourite word. I reluctantly peel the covers back and begin the morning routine. As I pour my coffee I long for something more. Something more that just isn't routine. A place of in my heart that has a deep longing for renewal, like the fresh rain, washing the sins of the week away. Not that I have to go to church to get "washed clean" sometimes like this morning, I don't make it at all. Instead of feeling bad that my morning didn't go as planned I still reached for something. A deep yearning in my heart to connect to something more than myself, something bigger than this life. I reached out to Jesus. Only He could mend the broken imaginings of my Sunday morning. Only He could allow me to rest in His peace. (literally i had to take a nap) He does in deed make all things new! This is what Sunday morning means to me today.

Even though I didn't have the perfect outfit, or get to go to church, I did get to make the pancakes. I've been experiencing with sneaking in some healthy purees into my foods. Little boy went through a phase recently of not eating, so I've investigated some new ways to get the fruits and veggies down. I was inspired this morning to make these yummy healthy pancakes & icing! No sugar, no eggs, no oil, very little flour.

1/2 c oat flour (basic oatmeal thrown in my food processor)

1 1/4 c pancake mix

1/2 c homemade fruit sauce (apples, honeydew melon, strawberries, peaches all blended)

1/2 c whole yogurt

enough milk to mix up a nice smooth batter

Cook as normal pancakes.

Cream Cheese Icing

8oz softened cream cheese

3 or 4 T honey

1/4 c fruity sauce

Combine & drizzle over pancakes, serve with fresh fruit
(can't get just the right drizzle with a knife? pour icing into a Ziploc bag & snip on corner at the bottom and use it as a pastry bag... voila!)

At Last..or (our new old home)

Finally!! I got my passwords! Yesterday I had inspirations coming out of my yin yang, but for the life of me couldn't find my passwords. You know the really important ones that you put in that super safe place! (and then can never find?) Anyway, I'm here now, and it feels good. An open net to catch all my thoughts, ideas, and creative inspirations.

We moved into our new (old) home just over a month ago, and besides not being able to find those important papers, we feel just about moved in. Some fresh paint inside and out and a few bells and whistles here and there has made it feel like a new house. You see we lived here before, almost 3 yrs ago, when we first moved to the Midwest. After a few years we decided to make it a rental property and we bought another house as a flip project. (I hadn't counted on falling in love with it.) In May we sold the house we were living in, and in order to reduce debt and start reaching our long term goals, we moved back into our old house. The transition was hard, moving from my dream kitchen, having our first child born there, I didn't realize how much it felt like home, until I had to leave it. My heart still has its days of grief, but I am daily counting my blessings with a healthy family, and an almost debt free life. There is a lot of freedom in doing the right thing.

I have enjoyed being able to live here a second time, it's a new start, our lives are so different now, there is something fresh about having another opportunity to make this space a home again. I know myself and my style so much better now, and I am confidant in what I like and with that there is tremendous freedom.

The main difference is that our rooms are not so empty now! We have a bouncing boy to make our lives even more eventful! Leave it to a 18month old to become a jedi master on the stairwell in only a matter of hours! The child has no fear, but that's another story for another day. Today is the day for a sneak peak at the new project.
I just love a summer bed, flowing with white and ivory linens, piled high with pillows and a fluffy mattress topper! I searched high and low for the perfect warm-ish grey/blue color for our bedroom, too blue and the room would feel cold, tooo green and I would get ill. I settled on a silver/grey, blue/green, called Silver Sage from Restoration Hardware. (and i love, love, love it) We get a lot of western afternoon light, but the color keeps the room from feeling too hot in the summer or too cold in the winter. I just changed the sheets and linens today and I look forward to slipping under the crisp, fragrant, fresh sheets tonight after a relaxing bath. My favourite way to end the day.

For most of the house I choose a Sherwin Williams color called Summer White (isn't that a delicious name!) I swear that 50% of the color picking process is swayed by a good name! Again, it warms the house up, without weighing it down. Normally it would be too much of a boring neutral for my taste, but it has become my blank canvas in which to splash color against with all kinds of accents.

I am trying to stick to the same coastal palette, of greys, ivories, blues, and white through out the house, to give it a feel of continuity, but I had to sneak some red into the kitchen. I swear this kitchen just asks for it by name. I was planning on not doing any red this go around (last time California Poppies also by Sherwin Williams attacked the dinning room walls with out asking) but a sprinkle here and there never hurt anyone. My mother-in-law gave us this great 1940's enamel table with matching vinyl chairs, and I had to use it. Too perfect in our breakfast nook. Both the sides pop out, which is perfect for scootching up a little boy during the day and tucking it away at night. Ah... order, beauty, fresh, and new, our new (old) house.

Thank you for joining me on my little house tour! I hope you'll come back for more of my adventures and little stories!

-Beth